Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Demon spawn.

It finally happened. They turned on me all at once and it was awful.

I called Kelly around 5:45 and told him that there was not enough alcohol in this world to erase the memory of the past 45 minutes with the kids.

Not to toot my own horn but I sort of rock the whole grocery shopping with three thing.  I’ll take your jealous stares over the produce aisle and raise you a laughing crew of kids all the way to the car and not think twice about it… well, until now. 

Now, I really hate the old me.

I should have seen it coming… I mean, it didn’t start out pretty. We were literally chased out of our backyard after just 10 minutes of glorious, child-directed play today by a very territorial yellow jacket. Really. Maxey Whitehead, quit laughing. It happened and I didn’t dream it. That bug was fierce and it had a plan to sting EACH and EVERY one of my beloved children. Although, had I known about the wrath they were about to sling my direction, I would have let it. Live and learn, I guess.

I then loaded 3 weeping children in to the car all chanting, “but we haven’t had enough sunshine…” (Man, do they know me or what!). Well, Lucy wasn’t chanting anything, no, she was just crying because I wouldn’t let her bring the pumpkin from the front porch into the car. Mean ole’ Mom.

I drove all the way to HEB on fumes all because I was too cheap to buy gas in our neighborhood. So, after coasting up to the pump, I looked down to realize that my wallet was sitting upstairs at home. Obstinacy, can really take you far. In my case, a jaunt back home, stop for the expensive neighborhood gas and a return trip to the store.

I had 30 minutes. Girl scouts started in 45 minutes and that would get me just enough time to unload groceries and reload people. In hindsight, it was not the best strategy for success. Things really never look that pretty in hindsight, though.

We have a rule in our house. If you need to get anywhere fast… don’t let Gabriel walk if you can avoid it, especially if he is in flip flops.  Let it be known that he hates this rule. So, I completely thought I was going to bypass meltdown and mentally high-fived myself whilst snatching the last of the car carts. I plopped Gabe and Lucy right on in and that is the exact moment the shitith hitith the fan.  Apparently, per Gabriel, “Four year olds cannot sit next to ANYONE wearing a diaper. Ever.” By the time we were halfway done shopping, everyone in the store was aware of the fact. He cried. He wailed. He tried to eat his flip flop. I still can’t figure that last one out.

Meanwhile, Lucy started crying because Molly was wearing some highly coveted sunglasses. Molly began crying because Gabriel had taken hostage yogi bear’s girlfriend stuffed animal (name escapes me) and was offering negotiations of its freedom for his.

Nearing the end of our journey, we had arrived at the cheese aisle. At this point Lucy decided that she wanted out of the cart RIGHT then. Apparently, I wasn’t reacting enough to her pleas of “hold you” so she took matters into her own hands by reaching down and yanking my v neck line all the way to my belly button. Cheese and boobs. Cheese and boobs, people.

Lucy started chanting boobies full volume down the aisle whilst pointing at my fully exposed chest, Molly was crying because her grocery tower had fallen over in the cart and Gabriel had taken to grinding the paper towel roll in a very perverse manner. As I was interrupting the paper towel tango with his nether regions, I look up just in time to see Lucy pretending to put on chapstick, with a tampon that she had opened out of its wrapper and was rubbing across her lips.

Mays out.

Goodbye cart. Hello, take out.

*Never again, will I ever, ever brag about my awesomeness. Lesson learne


AllisonDickson said...

Stop it. The cheese and boobs part got me good. I love you crazy mays! I'm just sorry the crazy all had to come at once this time!

Lindsay Stephenson said...

Made my week reading this. You really can't make that up. :)

Mary Anne said...

So sorry about your grocery trip- but I was laughing out loud reading about it!!